I really can't stand this feeling, I have been suffered with it*(edited) for few days. Some days it's I'm like "yay everything's so fine and I'm happyhappyhappy" or somewhat that I'm ok with the universe, nothing hurts inside and I'm feeling balanced and I eat good food and something like that way.. But it was like week ago.
Now I'm up at nights to about 4 a.m. but it's so easy and I'm not feeling tired at all. And then on the next morning (or daytime) I wake up after 12 p.m. Or some days I wake up at 11 a.m. which is strange because how I can only survive a day with 5 hours sleep? I don't know... ..
I have felt anger but also sadness today. It's really nothing, I just feel that ways some times. I had plan to to take trash outside again and ugh, it just got on my nerves. I thought this anger would go away but, when my BFF got back home from school, I ate my luch/breakfast and I (yes only me, because I need stuff to entertain myself alone at home, in Hämeenlinna I mean that's my other home) packed my bags and we went out of apartment. One of the reasons we took off again was that there's some "planned together" -time with neighbors and there's some thing they do too. Like; good good and drink and the worst that just pushes me away from those meetings; cleaning the backyard. Hey, I don't do that anymore, since I don't live at home, thank you very much!!
So, I lost myself... .. I walked with my bags and my BFF to my car and we drove awhile some miles/kilometres and when I said something that I heard from radio, I only tried to make up some conversation 'cause we were been some minutes quiet and make atmosphere little bit happier by a small talk, but then she asked "what? I didn't listen.." and I; "well this whole thing that they cut down some police patrols from roads.. .." Well I might have said it a little more louder with a spice of temper but.. I'm quick-tempered when someone doesn't-pay-attention! Ok, I got a bit more tempered now too.. But I'm tempered person when it comes to that when I'm being ignored or when I'm talking and some other starts to speak on me or someone doesn't really pay full attention for things. Or for anything that happens around them..!
I think it was that there was no music on radio and some police Inspector was talking, 'cause there was today some accidents around Finland because of bad weather. Which I don't read bad if it's only rain, I don't know, I just don't. I like it when it's kind of challenging, or somewhat there's a little challenge in driving with a car, I like a little danger but I'm don't love danger. But yeah.. There was an pile-up on motorway and that's what they talked about on the radio. I may have some kind of obsession about things where are polices included. I've some years ago wanted to be a police so I can get control of things. I'm not control freak, no. That's not what I mean. I always watch police tv and things that are about crime.
Back to what I was really talking about. I'm feeling angry and I decided to go to movies alone, even that yesterday I asked my BFF to come with me, but because she haven't seen those Vares movies but the first one, I didn't want really to explain everything to her, because there's eight of Vares movies. So.. A lot to explain, and also there's included one older character that is in the second movie "Vares - Jäätynyt enkeli" (in eng. Vares - frozen angel). They are made of Reijo Mäki's Vares -novels, but I've never read them. Maybe I should.
I wanna just punch some faces myself too but I might end up punching a wall and I only get hurt. I fell also kind of depressed, 'cause.. . ..I don't wanna talk about that really. It's about feelings for someone. I think this is all by now, I might end up writing another one today or maybe not. But I'm also running out of time, I have to get ready for the movies, I just don't go out, I have to get make-up on my stupid face and do my hair and my movie starts about in 60 minutes, my way to centre is somewhat 15 minutes but still have to go get ready.
I hope when I wanna get back to computer later tonight, after the movie, there's no one on computer. And I mean my brothers. One of them has another comp but he's got some password and I can't enter it. And my other little bro (they're twins) uses this but he's got his own too but Idk maybe it's broken...
I leave this here now, I hope the movie doesn't get me bored(well I think not) and I can find good parking place near the cinema, there' raining and I don't feel like getting wet so much right now.
See ya. ~Ida
p.s. I think I could use a therapist
No comments:
Post a Comment