I write to find out what I think

I'm already sorry that this includes subjects that may hurt someone's feeling because I'm talking about babies and kids and how I don't want having own kids! So don't read more.. Remember I have warned you. 

Seriously, don't read more..

Keeping a theme up in blog post is challenge. This time I don't really have a theme or bad mood that I earlier have had when I posted something. I'm feeling quite normal an balanced. And happy in some way. That's good right? I've had these bad moods after moving out. The whole year have been like a roller coaster to me, emotionally. I feel that I've talked about these changing emotion statues before here. O.o I don't know.. Just had a Déjà vu feeling. Huhh! Umm.. I totally lost my thoughts now, I can't remember what I was talking about, it's because I really don't have anything substantial to talk about. I could just share a quote in this point:

"I write to find out what I think" ―Stephen King

Uhh, wow! I didn't remember even that I had that quote on computer! It suits in this situation well! I love quotes so much and sometimes it's just easier to think through them and/or express myself that way better. And it's great to find those quotes that are like from your mind. And same thing applies songs. When I sometimes just surf on Youtube and suddenly there comes a song that is just right from my life or thoughts. It's amazing. 

Just very few hours ago, I got new baby cousin. Uhh, like 20 hours ago (exact time was 3:41 am). Something like that. Yeah. It's great. Or..... Yeah, it's a little gift for my aunt and her husband. They already have a boy, Arttu. He's 4 years old. Or if I remember right. Yeah, ok well.... I don't know how to act about knowing I have new cousin. It's a girl by the way.. "A little princess", they all are saying (my family, I meant). I have older cousin who's already having a daughter who's 6 years old, I think, and two other cousins; they are boys. So these are my all cousins I have. 3/4 boys. 

The thing is that, I haven't never really want babies. When I was little kid, and my mom has told me this many times; when I was kid, and I had to keep an eye on my little brothers, I felt exhausted in some way and mom told me that I asked her; "mom, do I have to make kids if I don't want to?". And I wasn't very old kid then. I have 5-6 years between my brothers, they are twins (but they don't look same which is good thing, you can tell which is which). So this is not just a "spur of the moment" or something. It's been always in my mind. I never really haven't thought very well the thing having babies. 'Cause yes, I'm single. Have been single always. And I highlight the word always. Never have been in relationship. 
And all people I know or knew have been getting their own babies for years now. Ever since I got into junior high school (?), one girl in my class dropped out of school when she got pregnant. And when I got into vocational school, there were one another, ended same way. And after that, I've heard many people having babies ever since. And it's going on and on.. At some point, I was thinking that is it just me or is everybody having babies nowadays? it has become some kind of fashion or something. Well, it's everyone's own thing if they are having kinds or not, but.. kids.. They bind you for at least 18 years to themselves. I, myself don't want to be bound that long to anyone. I don't know, it's just.. I don't want to take care of someone and be the one who's only one to take care of them with someone else with me. This is what I think of now. I must have free life. 

Some years ago, there was my family at our home, I think it was someone's birthday party, or.. yeah I think it was bday party. I was something like 17 years old and adults were talking about babies, 'cause my older cousin Janja just had given birth to her daughter and mom asked her sister how it feels to be grandmother and her respond is blurry in my mind but all I heard after it was my aunt said "..wait untill you have your own grandchildren". And I felt a pinch of panic then.
I think that explains all.

This may sound very selfish when I tell it like this way, but I just feel insecure about babies that's all. When someone is asking me if I want to hold their baby, I say "sure" but when I get the baby in my hands I think "oh shit, shit, shit.. So... What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to hold this thing? It's so tiny, can I move it? Do I break it if I hold it like this?".. ...Mm.

I don't know what else to say in this point anymore. I feel I've said enough of this. I've disclosed these thoughts about babies. Babies... Ugh, all I see is now the word 'babies'...

Ok, I don't hate babies. They are cute. For so long if they are quiet and sleeping. And someone elses. And stranger's kids at markets, they annoy me. I'm there thinking like "Shut the fuck up!"
It's bleeding out of my ears. I haven't ever liked kids' crying, fretting or screaming. Ever. Who would like? 
All I think about if I would have my own kids, all is that I could choose the perfect names for them. That's all.
And I'm not saying here that if you are my friend and you have kids, you should just keep them away from me, no. I just tell my opinion about that I may not want have my own kids ever and what annoys me about having them. and I'm insecure about babies and kids..

I end now this, I'm hungry and I should go sleep soon too, I've been up my last nights so long that I should get my sleeping system to it's normal form. If I can ever again do that. It's been like more than a week when I've been up to 5 am and went to sleep and then woke up at afternoon after 2 or 3 (today I woke up at 4pm)..

Bye, see ya! ☮Ida