Sometimes I start to write like everywhere I am and suddenly I see it isn't the place to open up and I have to find other place to turn my really one-sided opinions. That is just what happens.
I was talking with a person and that's what got me snap in my head was that he responded to me "ok".
Answering simple "ok" to my long message, when I'm having a some kind of opinion about something, will certainly piss me off. That only proves me that people don't have high conversational skills nowadays which I'm trying to uphold in this vulgar world. I may be a little more demanding person to befriend with but you have to live with that if you really want to keep me in your life and as a friend. I'm not trying to pretend to be better than anyone but I need those deep conversations to keep my head going.
It is difficult to find people like that who enjoys to have long deep conversations and keep them on and be political with opinions (and if not, they just make it clear that it is certainly understood) even when they are very one-sided. But that's what conversations are, in adults world. Airheads can willingly walk away if this got your heart beat by panic even a little, 'cause I am not really interesting if your conversational skills are limited and cannot talk any other things than small talk, weather or how's it going -style of talking.
I have just lately noticed that I am more and more likely to have conversations that are long and deep with someone. I'm proud that I've learned that kind of discussion. And I've lately found people that enjoys (or hopefully enjoys) longer talking with me. I've noticed also that I, myself am more likely talking deeply than just lightly talking.
Lightly talking is nice when you don't really know the person you're talking with. But when you more are knowing them, you need more of those conversations when you two are not only talking about weather of that kind of light stuff.
But sometimes it's easier for me to talk deeply with a person I haven't even known for so long. It depends really much are we in same level or not.
At my last workplace, there was great people working with me, all of them were great, and I didn't have hard time to open up to them, after we had been known each others for some months. I only had a four month job there but I found couple of women to talk anything about with them. When I started to know them better.
I don't prefer to open up in my very first day or hour when I've just met the opposite person, but I clearly can see if we are in same level or not.
That is what depends on if I can ever open up of my personal stuff to them.
I've started to talk with my BFF about deep stuff lately, I've noticed that she wants to talk more deeply and she have also told me that.
But still, everytime that happens, we have different opinions about things and I decide to just close up and listen to her what she has on mind to tell. After we moved together (ew, hate to say that because we're not a couple), well.. into same apartment, we've had more deeper conversations than never. Maybe she has grown up a little because now she has to be an adult and start to live on her own. I hate this but I have to uncover things about her here, because. Well, I don't insult, I only describe.
Before we moved, she was a little more naive alike, she has always have parent issues that I can't understand, well, I could understand if she wasn't so much against to her mother about everything and wasn't whining to her. I just can't get ever on her shoes to understand that mother issues of her.
But well... After I worked with my BFF's mom for some weeks on last spring, I noticed I don't like her much. I was working for her to get some money (we were cleaning other peoples houses) to get more for my London travel. And some weeks ago when my BFF's family were visiting here like every fucking weekend, I noticed that I wanted to just run away from here, but I was hiding in my room for that time when they were here to put some thing on order in my friend's room.
So I was talking about her wanting to have these deeper convos.. Yeah, so everytime we have those, I find myself sitting there quietly just listening what she has to say. Different opinions about things can make me wanting to argument, depends on person I'm talking with and I decide to sit quietly with my BFF, and sometimes I get bored and this burning feeling on my chest is screaming to me "don't listen! Make excuse to escape!" and I can't help my mind to tell me that way. It makes me want to just shake her and make her change her stupid opinions about everything. I just can't make her listen up what I am thinking about those things 'cause I have very different opinions.
Because of why I find myself being quiet and wanna escape is that I can feel that little electricity between us and that tension if I just opened up. I can't stand that tension.
Maybe the reason is in me why I can't make arguments/fights of anything with her is that I am afraid to lose her even that she can be difficult. Part of the reason could be that some years ago we had two of fights but one of them happened when we were at party where were her other friend and she got hurt when other two of us three didn't take her with the conversation. And that the thing was that she was her friend and not really mine, made her hurt so much, I think. We really didn't outline her, she just didn't talk with us. And when we left the party, I asked was everything ok, that's what made her more furious, so I made a serious, I mean, very serious, I really meant it, that I am never ever ever gonna ask again was she alright. It was her own fault that she made me promise that. Even if she didn't want that, I still think she wanted it. This makes me very furious about it, after years, but I can't help how I feel about it.
The other argument was same alike. But we weren't drunk then.
I hate fights with friends, because they always make me feel I am the one who's fault it is. I don't know if it is or not, but as wise as my grandmother was when she was alive, she said "no one fights with themselves, there's always two". So.. That's how I keep low profile with the ones I love and care. I can at times be very afraid to lose friends. I make jokes in suitable space that I keep the atmosphere up a little more, but my friends haven't noticed me if they don't like me doing that.
I've lost some friends in my childhood because they had issues with something I did or said.
I'm not being rude, I'm honest. And if someone has issues with that, they do.
Making a little light up here so my text doesn't make you leave sad or mad(?), I'm telling you that I bought a little plant today to care about it ! I love cactus' and it's like only plant I ever get keep alive more than just a month or two.
and a song that I just listened is from tv show I used to like to watch before it got to be not-so-good anymore, this part of the lyrics I want to share:
"I never promised you a ray of light. I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday. I give you everything I have, the good the bad."
Song: Halo
Singed by: character named Haley James-Scott played by Bethany Galeotti. She has pretty voice.
That all. xxo, Ida ♥
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