when I last time was jealous it was just like now, my heart is burning

uhh, sorry the more you read, the text will go more confusing ... ..and you may not understand 'cause I leave unfinished/unexplained things here, I'm confused myself too. (OR that's what it felt like in my head)

Halloween's knocking on the door..
I'm not so sure if I'm happy about it. Because I just last or... ..two weeks ago heard from my BFF that there's Halloween party at her school and they are supposed to wear costumes that are characters from tv/movies.
I can be at times very very jealous about anything, and Halloween is on the top of that list.
Tell me you're having party, I'm ok with that.
Tell me you're having Halloween party, without me, I can't bear that.
Seriously.

Halloween is the best of the all holidays ever even over the Christmas, yes!

She(you know already who) asked me where she could find corsets and it has to be white 'cause she's gonna make a white swan costume from The Black Swan movie.. I can't help if I'm burning because of my jealousy, I told her few websites, that I know, like Morticia.com. I've visited there some years ago (well, that does not help at all) and I know they have some corsets.. But.. I really don't know and I wanted to tell her some to have a talk of it. And of course Wedding stores have corsets (DUH), why you didn't know that.
You couldn't just ask earlier and Halloween's like in one week?(I just checked Morticia, they don't have whites but one waist corset that has black string decoration)

I got jealous attack and I could just express it with this picture I found. (kellehthedread.deviantart.com)

Jealousy is not healthy, I don't recommend it to anyone. But I am what I am.
It's badbad thingy in your head. Like I said, I can't help it, it's part of those bad traits of mine.
And I just try to turn my jealousy off by telling those persons that I'm jealous of something they have or do or.. You know! But it doesn't always work.

Like I didn't know that already, horoscope... Today there was situation in my head.
Today these same bad moods came back, and I've felt good some few days lately. They came back. And I'm watching those knifes in the kitchen table. But I say to myself 'no'. And turn around and go off from the kitchen. This is not what I want to talk about but,. Naah.
Don't.
I should go to sleep, it's too late again. Last two nights I've slept well, 'cause I went to sleep earlier, something around 10pm, and it was nice. Aaand now I see it's 2am.. Great.

That's what I drew tonight. I named it on DeviantArt 'all the things'. Well, You can just concept it yourself like you want. But to me it's like um.. this sentence came up; 'all the things that I have in my mind, the sadness, unhealthy thoughts, anger. They all came back and they haunt me. I'm full of it.'
That was more than one sentence.
But mostly if I feel sad (or anything else), it doesn't always have meaning. It just comes out of nothing. And I really can't explain that where it started from.

I wrote a, don't know is it letter but, may I say a letter to my BFF.. I am not able to talk to face-to-face now. About things that irritates me. I saw it more easier to express what I wanna say to her, because otherwise I would feel misunderstood. Because I'm good at writing but bad at speaking hard things and if something that makes me yet upset, I can't talk about it clearly. So I wrote, 'cause when I do it, I can stop and think, and continue it again. Yes, I'm just the one who is bad at socializing. I'd rather talk less and listen more. But it depends on person who am I talking with, do I have concentration to listen them. Lately I haven't had that with my BFF. It just makes me bored and my mind is wandering elsewhere, but I really try to focus to listen. It's just.. It feels like we have different scheme of things now. We look things differently.
But only when conversation goes deeper than usually. Or not. It depends.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so thoughtful person.

I was thinking of to publish this or not to.. Guess the rest what I decided to.

~Ida

tell me why I feel unwanted

..or would have 'rolling in the deep' make it more brighter if I wrote that sentence as title?
I don't know.
What if I just stopped caring?
What if I just stopped noticing people? Would it make difference. I don't think so. But when I have gone far enough only caring about someone too much and just stopped thinking about what I want, when I realize the situation I have come into, I see. I see that I have again have gave more to others and not even getting anything for change.
That's exhausting. 'Cause I'm always the one who gives 100%. I'm giving 100% but everyone else 50% or less.
Right now I feel shitty. Again? Yes, again.
There's big hole on my chest. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm dying inside. And you just sit there and don't say anything.
Because you don't notice it. I don't even know do anyone see me crawling. Or am I just
very good at hiding my true feelings. I don't know. Fuck this shit.,.!
I'm done. *sigh*

I feel I'm so done with all of this.

I want to just run. Run fast, away from everything and everyone.
I actually give I shit about you people! You don't- That one I ever gave 100% of myself ever gave me the same back.

I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
*le tears don't come out yet but I can feel them in my eyes*

Would everything work if I cared less than this. ?
I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm everything at the same fucking time. I'm so full of shit.
Sometimes I should stop. This. Caring thingy.

I need the fucking millions of hugs to actually feel better and people around me here, I...
Do you know it's shit lonely here? I bet you didn't know.

I didn't put that song here just for entertainment. Read the lyrics. But P!nk is so great, great artist and she had so much good songs, I mean, I've always loved her music even that I don't have any of her albums. I don't know why I haven't bought them 'cause there's always at least one or two songs that I can identify myself to, but I have the first one 'misunderstood' and I'm atm playing it in my car, 'cause it's actually mine, and I just took it with me when I last time visited (last weekend) at my Hämeenlinna home.

P!nk is strong woman and has that "fuck this, and that" -attitude in her songs that I adore. She's awesome and looking good always. I adore strong persons who don't give a shit.

Have a nice fucking day bye, Ida

I write to find out what I think

I'm already sorry that this includes subjects that may hurt someone's feeling because I'm talking about babies and kids and how I don't want having own kids! So don't read more.. Remember I have warned you. 

Seriously, don't read more..

Keeping a theme up in blog post is challenge. This time I don't really have a theme or bad mood that I earlier have had when I posted something. I'm feeling quite normal an balanced. And happy in some way. That's good right? I've had these bad moods after moving out. The whole year have been like a roller coaster to me, emotionally. I feel that I've talked about these changing emotion statues before here. O.o I don't know.. Just had a Déjà vu feeling. Huhh! Umm.. I totally lost my thoughts now, I can't remember what I was talking about, it's because I really don't have anything substantial to talk about. I could just share a quote in this point:

"I write to find out what I think" ―Stephen King

Uhh, wow! I didn't remember even that I had that quote on computer! It suits in this situation well! I love quotes so much and sometimes it's just easier to think through them and/or express myself that way better. And it's great to find those quotes that are like from your mind. And same thing applies songs. When I sometimes just surf on Youtube and suddenly there comes a song that is just right from my life or thoughts. It's amazing. 

Just very few hours ago, I got new baby cousin. Uhh, like 20 hours ago (exact time was 3:41 am). Something like that. Yeah. It's great. Or..... Yeah, it's a little gift for my aunt and her husband. They already have a boy, Arttu. He's 4 years old. Or if I remember right. Yeah, ok well.... I don't know how to act about knowing I have new cousin. It's a girl by the way.. "A little princess", they all are saying (my family, I meant). I have older cousin who's already having a daughter who's 6 years old, I think, and two other cousins; they are boys. So these are my all cousins I have. 3/4 boys. 

The thing is that, I haven't never really want babies. When I was little kid, and my mom has told me this many times; when I was kid, and I had to keep an eye on my little brothers, I felt exhausted in some way and mom told me that I asked her; "mom, do I have to make kids if I don't want to?". And I wasn't very old kid then. I have 5-6 years between my brothers, they are twins (but they don't look same which is good thing, you can tell which is which). So this is not just a "spur of the moment" or something. It's been always in my mind. I never really haven't thought very well the thing having babies. 'Cause yes, I'm single. Have been single always. And I highlight the word always. Never have been in relationship. 
And all people I know or knew have been getting their own babies for years now. Ever since I got into junior high school (?), one girl in my class dropped out of school when she got pregnant. And when I got into vocational school, there were one another, ended same way. And after that, I've heard many people having babies ever since. And it's going on and on.. At some point, I was thinking that is it just me or is everybody having babies nowadays? it has become some kind of fashion or something. Well, it's everyone's own thing if they are having kinds or not, but.. kids.. They bind you for at least 18 years to themselves. I, myself don't want to be bound that long to anyone. I don't know, it's just.. I don't want to take care of someone and be the one who's only one to take care of them with someone else with me. This is what I think of now. I must have free life. 

Some years ago, there was my family at our home, I think it was someone's birthday party, or.. yeah I think it was bday party. I was something like 17 years old and adults were talking about babies, 'cause my older cousin Janja just had given birth to her daughter and mom asked her sister how it feels to be grandmother and her respond is blurry in my mind but all I heard after it was my aunt said "..wait untill you have your own grandchildren". And I felt a pinch of panic then.
I think that explains all.

This may sound very selfish when I tell it like this way, but I just feel insecure about babies that's all. When someone is asking me if I want to hold their baby, I say "sure" but when I get the baby in my hands I think "oh shit, shit, shit.. So... What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to hold this thing? It's so tiny, can I move it? Do I break it if I hold it like this?".. ...Mm.

I don't know what else to say in this point anymore. I feel I've said enough of this. I've disclosed these thoughts about babies. Babies... Ugh, all I see is now the word 'babies'...

Ok, I don't hate babies. They are cute. For so long if they are quiet and sleeping. And someone elses. And stranger's kids at markets, they annoy me. I'm there thinking like "Shut the fuck up!"
It's bleeding out of my ears. I haven't ever liked kids' crying, fretting or screaming. Ever. Who would like? 
All I think about if I would have my own kids, all is that I could choose the perfect names for them. That's all.
And I'm not saying here that if you are my friend and you have kids, you should just keep them away from me, no. I just tell my opinion about that I may not want have my own kids ever and what annoys me about having them. and I'm insecure about babies and kids..

I end now this, I'm hungry and I should go sleep soon too, I've been up my last nights so long that I should get my sleeping system to it's normal form. If I can ever again do that. It's been like more than a week when I've been up to 5 am and went to sleep and then woke up at afternoon after 2 or 3 (today I woke up at 4pm)..

Bye, see ya! ☮Ida

conversational skills missing?

I was just started to type my status on Facebook when I wrote it just a little more longer than my status' have ever been, so I decided that I could just come and make it a subject to talk about here instead of opening up to everyone on Facebook.
Sometimes I start to write like everywhere I am and suddenly I see it isn't the place to open up and I have to find other place to turn my really one-sided opinions. That is just what happens.

I was talking with a person and that's what got me snap in my head was that he responded to me "ok".
Answering simple "ok" to my long message, when I'm having a some kind of opinion about something, will certainly piss me off. That only proves me that people don't have high conversational skills nowadays which I'm trying to uphold in this vulgar world. I may be a little more demanding person to befriend with but you have to live with that if you really want to keep me in your life and as a friend. I'm not trying to pretend to be better than anyone but I need those deep conversations to keep my head going.
It is difficult to find people like that who enjoys to have long deep conversations and keep them on and be political with opinions (and if not, they just make it clear that it is certainly understood) even when they are very one-sided. But that's what conversations are, in adults world. Airheads can willingly walk away if this got your heart beat by panic even a little, 'cause I am not really interesting if your conversational skills are limited and cannot talk any other things than small talk, weather or how's it going -style of talking.

I have just lately noticed that I am more and more likely to have conversations that are long and deep with someone. I'm proud that I've learned that kind of discussion. And I've lately found people that enjoys (or hopefully enjoys) longer talking with me. I've noticed also that I, myself am more likely talking deeply than just lightly talking.

Lightly talking is nice when you don't really know the person you're talking with. But when you more are knowing them, you need more of those conversations when you two are not only talking about weather of that kind of light stuff.
But sometimes it's easier for me to talk deeply with a person I haven't even known for so long. It depends really much are we in same level or not.
At my last workplace, there was great people working with me, all of them were great, and I didn't have hard time to open up to them, after we had been known each others for some months. I only had a four month job there but I found couple of women to talk anything about with them. When I started to know them better.
I don't prefer to open up in my very first day or hour when I've just met the opposite person, but I clearly can see if we are in same level or not.
That is what depends on if I can ever open up of my personal stuff to them.

I've started to talk with my BFF about deep stuff lately, I've noticed that she wants to talk more deeply and she have also told me that.
But still, everytime that happens, we have different opinions about things and I decide to just close up and listen to her what she has on mind to tell. After we moved together (ew, hate to say that because we're not a couple), well.. into same apartment, we've had more deeper conversations than never. Maybe she has grown up a little because now she has to be an adult and start to live on her own. I hate this but I have to uncover things about her here, because. Well, I don't insult, I only describe.
Before we moved, she was a little more naive alike, she has always have parent issues that I can't understand, well, I could understand if she wasn't so much against to her mother about everything and wasn't whining to her. I just can't get ever on her shoes to understand that mother issues of her.
But well... After I worked with my BFF's mom for some weeks on last spring, I noticed I don't like her much. I was working for her to get some money (we were cleaning other peoples houses) to get more for my London travel. And some weeks ago when my BFF's family were visiting here like every fucking weekend, I noticed that I wanted to just run away from here, but I was hiding in my room for that time when they were here to put some thing on order in my friend's room.
So I was talking about her wanting to have these deeper convos.. Yeah, so everytime we have those, I find myself sitting there quietly just listening what she has to say. Different opinions about things can make me wanting to argument, depends on person I'm talking with and I decide to sit quietly with my BFF, and sometimes I get bored and this burning feeling on my chest is screaming to me "don't listen! Make excuse to escape!" and I can't help my mind to tell me that way. It makes me want to just shake her and make her change her stupid opinions about everything. I just can't make her listen up what I am thinking about those things 'cause I have very different opinions.
Because of why I find myself being quiet and wanna escape is that I can feel that little electricity between us and that tension if I just opened up. I can't stand that tension.

Maybe the reason is in me why I can't make arguments/fights of anything with her is that I am afraid to lose her even that she can be difficult. Part of the reason could be that some years ago we had two of fights but one of them happened when we were at party where were her other friend and she got hurt when other two of us three didn't take her with the conversation. And that the thing was that she was her friend and not really mine, made her hurt so much, I think. We really didn't outline her, she just didn't talk with us. And when we left the party, I asked was everything ok, that's what made her more furious, so I made a serious, I mean, very serious, I really meant it, that I am never ever ever gonna ask again was she alright. It was her own fault that she made me promise that. Even if she didn't want that, I still think she wanted it. This makes me very furious about it, after years, but I can't help how I feel about it.
The other argument was same alike. But we weren't drunk then.
I hate fights with friends, because they always make me feel I am the one who's fault it is. I don't know if it is or not, but as wise as my grandmother was when she was alive, she said "no one fights with themselves, there's always two". So.. That's how I keep low profile with the ones I love and care. I can at times be very afraid to lose friends. I make jokes in suitable space that I keep the atmosphere up a little more, but my friends haven't noticed me if they don't like me doing that.
I've lost some friends in my childhood because they had issues with something I did or said.
I'm not being rude, I'm honest. And if someone has issues with that, they do.

Making a little light up here so my text doesn't make you leave sad or mad(?), I'm telling you that I bought a little plant today to care about it ! I love cactus' and it's like only plant I ever get keep alive more than just a month or two.

It only cost few euros, something like 3,50 from store I found it. I purposely wanted to find a plant and not pay much of it so I found this little cutie here.

and a song that I just listened is from tv show I used to like to watch before it got to be not-so-good anymore, this part of the lyrics I want to share:
"I never promised you a ray of light. I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday. I give you everything I have, the good the bad." 
Song: Halo
Singed by: character named Haley James-Scott played by Bethany Galeotti. She has pretty voice.

That all. xxo, Ida ♥

anger, sadness ,anger again

I really can't stand this feeling, I have been suffered with it*(edited) for few days. Some days it's I'm like "yay everything's so fine and I'm happyhappyhappy" or somewhat that I'm ok with the universe, nothing hurts inside and I'm feeling balanced and I eat good food and something like that way.. But it was like week ago.
Now I'm up at nights to about 4 a.m. but it's so easy and I'm not feeling tired at all. And then on the next morning (or daytime) I wake up after 12 p.m. Or some days I wake up at 11 a.m. which is strange because how I can only survive a day with 5 hours sleep? I don't know... ..
I have felt anger but also sadness today. It's really nothing, I just feel that ways some times. I had plan to to take trash outside again and ugh, it just got on my nerves. I thought this anger would go away but, when my BFF got back home from school, I ate my luch/breakfast and I (yes only me, because I need stuff to entertain myself alone at home, in Hämeenlinna I mean that's my other home) packed my bags and we went out of apartment. One of the reasons we took off again was that there's some "planned together" -time with neighbors and there's some thing they do too. Like; good good and drink and the worst that just pushes me away from those meetings; cleaning the backyard. Hey, I don't do that anymore, since I don't live at home, thank you very much!!

So, I lost myself... .. I walked with my bags and my BFF to my car and we drove awhile some miles/kilometres and when I said something that I heard from radio, I only tried to make up some conversation 'cause we were been some minutes quiet and make atmosphere little bit happier by a small talk, but then she asked "what? I didn't listen.." and I; "well this whole thing that they cut down some police patrols from roads.. .." Well I might have said it a little more louder with a spice of temper but.. I'm quick-tempered when someone doesn't-pay-attention! Ok, I got a bit more tempered now too.. But I'm tempered person when it comes to that when I'm being ignored or when I'm talking and some other starts to speak on me or someone doesn't really pay full attention for things. Or for anything that happens around them..!
I think it was that there was no music on radio and some police Inspector was talking, 'cause there was today some accidents around Finland because of bad weather. Which I don't read bad if it's only rain, I don't know, I just don't. I like it when it's kind of challenging, or somewhat there's a little challenge in driving with a car, I like a little danger but I'm don't love danger. But yeah.. There was an pile-up on motorway and that's what they talked about on the radio. I may have some kind of obsession about things where are polices included. I've some years ago wanted to be a police so I can get control of things. I'm not control freak, no. That's not what I mean. I always watch police tv and things that are about crime.

Back to what I was really talking about. I'm feeling angry and I decided to go to movies alone, even that yesterday I asked my BFF to come with me, but because she haven't seen those Vares movies but the first one, I didn't want really to explain everything to her, because there's eight of Vares movies. So.. A lot to explain, and also there's included one older character that is in the second movie "Vares - Jäätynyt enkeli" (in eng. Vares - frozen angel). They are made of Reijo Mäki's Vares -novels, but I've never read them. Maybe I should.

I wanna just punch some faces myself too but I might end up punching a wall and I only get hurt. I fell also kind of depressed, 'cause.. . ..I don't wanna talk about that really. It's about feelings for someone. I think this is all by now, I might end up writing another one today or maybe not. But I'm also running out of time, I have to get ready for the movies, I just don't go out, I have to get make-up on my stupid face and do my hair and my movie starts about in 60 minutes, my way to centre is somewhat 15 minutes but still have to go get ready.

I hope when I wanna get back to computer later tonight, after the movie, there's no one on computer. And I mean my brothers. One of them has another comp but he's got some password and I can't enter it. And my other little bro (they're twins) uses this but he's got his own too but Idk maybe it's broken...

I leave this here now, I hope the movie doesn't get me bored(well I think not) and I can find good parking place near the cinema, there' raining and I don't feel like getting wet so much right now.

See ya. ~Ida

p.s. I think I could use a therapist