sorry, have you seen my feelings?

I actually wasn't about to write anything but just to update. Or not. But here it goes.

I don't know do I even want to share things anymore here. It felt good to vent, some months ago but not really anymore. I reckon that if I'm lowering my guard down I'm vulnerable.

Every day I'm hoping I'll make it through without shedding tear or two. I have no routines but wake up and eat breakfast, distract people that you're ok, go sleep. But sleeping haven't been easy lately, I'm whole night up and I take 4 hours nap at morning and go on or I'm up late and then I sleep 'till noon(waking up around 3pm). Think that's not good not to have routines.. I don't even recall those times when I had routines. Oh well I do recall that; it was (over) year ago when I still lived at my parents. Good times good times, being at home, waking up at weekend to noises of too loud guitar sounds or bad music taste they have. Going to work (some 'working life training') at clothing store with awesome employees with me. And lastly: no stress.
Well, I'm not even stressing anymore, just feeling anxiety pressing down my heart. Squeezing my throat that I must hold myself back so hard that I don't fall in tears from nothing in the middle of doing my things.
Some days I am able to keep myself busy. Some days not.

Now I (and maybe you too) have noticed, this entry is written more carefully and calmly than my previous ones. Usually I flow write. I hear a little voice asking 'why' in the back of my brain and I give it an answer now. I don't feel or let myself feel hard emotions. I hold myself back and I've noticed I have been doing it for a while.
I kinda feel sad about it and I'm sorry for it. Everyone I care about, I'm sorry. I wrote the following in my Tumblr few days back:

"sorry if I seem not to care but I do and I hate that I care too much that I don’t care and it’s killing me that I don’t care those who I should

and I feel so shitty"

Well, there's a little feelings flow, but that's that.
Hate not to feel anything but bitterness, numbness and like I'm strangling.
One big push down is if I see other people doing well and better than me.

I have tried. I sent job application while ago but I see they're not interested of taking me.
I have tried to concentrate on drawing art that it could take my thoughts elsewhere from depressing things.
I have tried to be happy, but all I can do it pretending around my BFF when we're talking to each other.
You can imagine my big fake smile on my face and laughing when they say something hilarious.
Guess I'm good at distracting myself.


Now I'm done. And done.
And... ..feeling sorry, again. For this update.