sorry, have you seen my feelings?

I actually wasn't about to write anything but just to update. Or not. But here it goes.

I don't know do I even want to share things anymore here. It felt good to vent, some months ago but not really anymore. I reckon that if I'm lowering my guard down I'm vulnerable.

Every day I'm hoping I'll make it through without shedding tear or two. I have no routines but wake up and eat breakfast, distract people that you're ok, go sleep. But sleeping haven't been easy lately, I'm whole night up and I take 4 hours nap at morning and go on or I'm up late and then I sleep 'till noon(waking up around 3pm). Think that's not good not to have routines.. I don't even recall those times when I had routines. Oh well I do recall that; it was (over) year ago when I still lived at my parents. Good times good times, being at home, waking up at weekend to noises of too loud guitar sounds or bad music taste they have. Going to work (some 'working life training') at clothing store with awesome employees with me. And lastly: no stress.
Well, I'm not even stressing anymore, just feeling anxiety pressing down my heart. Squeezing my throat that I must hold myself back so hard that I don't fall in tears from nothing in the middle of doing my things.
Some days I am able to keep myself busy. Some days not.

Now I (and maybe you too) have noticed, this entry is written more carefully and calmly than my previous ones. Usually I flow write. I hear a little voice asking 'why' in the back of my brain and I give it an answer now. I don't feel or let myself feel hard emotions. I hold myself back and I've noticed I have been doing it for a while.
I kinda feel sad about it and I'm sorry for it. Everyone I care about, I'm sorry. I wrote the following in my Tumblr few days back:

"sorry if I seem not to care but I do and I hate that I care too much that I don’t care and it’s killing me that I don’t care those who I should

and I feel so shitty"

Well, there's a little feelings flow, but that's that.
Hate not to feel anything but bitterness, numbness and like I'm strangling.
One big push down is if I see other people doing well and better than me.

I have tried. I sent job application while ago but I see they're not interested of taking me.
I have tried to concentrate on drawing art that it could take my thoughts elsewhere from depressing things.
I have tried to be happy, but all I can do it pretending around my BFF when we're talking to each other.
You can imagine my big fake smile on my face and laughing when they say something hilarious.
Guess I'm good at distracting myself.


Now I'm done. And done.
And... ..feeling sorry, again. For this update.

Unbalanced mind

Hi, I'm venting out once again.
Okeyh first, I changed name of this blog. Seeking perfection without finding it~> Depressed but well dressed~> Dreams Don't Comfort Me. I hope I'm gonna stick with that this time. Because I get bored easily depending of a thing of course, but keeping one name of this blog seemed to be difficult.
Because I'm rarely satisfied when it comes to keep a name of blog/nickname/avatar if it's changeable.

I've been a little bit down for several days. I'm drinking tea while writing this, hopefully I finish this before midnight.

Oh god ugh, where should I start.. Good news first ? I just got glasses on last Monday. Is that a good news/updates? Yes, it is. Now I see better. (: Well, my strengths are -0.50 & -0.25 and it's not much at all but if you had it, you'd know it makes difference.

I was at Helsinki on 26th of April seeing Justin Bieber at Hartwall Arena with my bestie and her little sister. I also saw one another best friend Katja for few hours alone while others two.... were where ever they were from 11am to 3pm. I saw Iron Man 3 for second time that day and it was still awesome movie. (:
Looking back to that Friday, it was good for long time. Can't remember when I last time had a day like that. Seriously, so good to be with friends~♥
When we left the Hartwall Arena at 11:30pm -ish, I tok wrong road and we (me), had to figure out where to get to the right one. Well we had a little adventure to Tuusula's way, and now I only blame my bad sight and orienteeing skills. It almost got so badly on my nerves that I would just wanted to give up and let my bestie drive but I didn't because I just don't ever again gonna ask her drive. I've just totally lost my nerves 'cause every time I've suggested her to drive, she just replies 'do you really trust your car in my hands'.
And I'm not gonna let myself snap out.

This is going too deep now but oh well, let's go that I already started.
Many deep thoughts are floating in my mind all the time. This have been there for long. Mmmmaybe for 6 months. I don't know or care do you think I'm being cruel now by thinking this way, but this is me and I sometimes shock people with my thoughts so usually I just keep quiet about them.
BUT to the subject I was about to share with you.

Ok, this shocked also myself at first when it came on my mind several months ago when I snapped out about  my bestie. Obviously living together with her isn't really my thing.
I have been thinking should I re-speculate who is my real best friend after all. Yeah it sounds crazy to you, doesn't it?
But I've been just so used to call my current best friend 'my best friend'. 
I don't know... Maybe we just grow away from each other, or that I think. Don't know about her.
And I think this is one of those subjects you just don't talk about.
Well, this leads to where I say I talk about things others keep as taboo or something.

So. That's kinda it. I don't say anything else. Just that it was been in my mind for a while.
Well okay, I'll explain why.
I just don't feel that way anymore. It's like a relationship that is gone on the rocks. You know.
This 'living together' thingy has somehow changed it and the way I feel.
And what can I say?
It just happened. And that's that. And you can't say I haven't tried to build it back. I did. And then I got sick mentally. That makes it even harder.
But I don't just feel this way like all day every day. When I have bad day.
On my good days I'm sociable with her and we chat and everything.
But then again. I think it has all just mixed together, this best friend feelings and depression.
I don't know what is real. Which thing has affected the other.

I am totally so messed up.
But yes, I already thought I was recovering while ago. Well I think it was last month. Then my laptop decided to break up and I was without it for three weeks. It was pain. I agree, my world stopped for a while. But actually last month, like I said, I was recovering from depression. Now it has come back.
Or I should say that it has woken up, it was there the whole time.

I'm not gonna say 'I feel tad better already now', because it's not true.
Maybe in some point yes, but these things will stay haunt my mind and maybe make me feel bad again later.
This next does not relate to the topic but I just spit it out:
'Away from sight, away from mind' is really dumb phrase. I'm just a cynical about it but it doesn't go that way. And I don't give a damn.

---


Good that I got to vent this out, even tho I don't believe there's anyone who reads this really.
I flow-wrote this and I'm not gonna fix it or remove anything, I just leave it like this.

'till the next time I need to vent out, ~Ida

shy lonely girl with anxiety

FRIDAY 22th.  It doesn’t feel like Friday at all. Actually today when it was like 3pm, I thought it was Thursday. I don’t have calendar in anywhere else but on my phone (and laptop but it wasn’t on atm). I was gonna take my e-pills that I have gotten from gynecologist some weeks ago. I don’t really need them but she gave those for acne that I had sometime ago, but also because I have PCOS. Well… I was confused and wondering which day is it and looked the date from my phone and I was like “no, it can’t be Friday already.. ..But it just was Wednesday”.  I don’t know how did I missed Thursday, because I remember clearly what I was  doing!

Yesterday (THURSDAY 21th) I watched first Mamma Mia! –movie. I like that movie a lot, it makes me happy and those songs are great. I got permission from my BFF to watch her movies while she’s gone for next week (I tell later about this) and I thought I could check out “Perks of being a Wallflower”, because my BFF is so big fan of that book and movie. But I have been thinking since I heard the movie’s name that “okey, so this is one of those movies I should not watch, I’m sure I don’t like it and it makes me annoyed” but I was partly right. Me and my BFF have mutual movie taste in some movies, but actually it’s SO different.

So, Perks of being a Wallflower is about a Charlie who’s about to start high school and he have none of friends since his best friend committed suicide and also his aunt died when he was young kid. He gets couple of friends, spends time with them and get’s high couple of times and he sees hallucinations.. He thinks a lot. I think if some that have experienced depression, can understand and feel this character. I think also that he’s very good picture of depressed person, how they are.

I can associate a bit of myself to Charlie. I was in the middle school kind of the shy girl. Actually I’ve always been short of. I can see parts of me in him. I hate of being described as shy, because… ..it is so true. I know that. But just don’t want to think of it that way. I deny it and make excuses for my shyness, but I don’t tell them out loud. I just think of it.

I hate this feeling I got after watching this movie because it got into me so deeply. I cried while the last scenes. It was a bullet for my feels, coz I understood Charlie’s pain. Sometimes it is kinda not cool to have so much emotions like me.

I thought so long before I saw this movie that I’m never gonna watch that ugh, because when something is so popular or teen -ish, and/or superficial, I refuse to watch it.

I can’t deny this movie wasn’t good, it was. It just was so painful at the end. And Logan Lerman is good actor. Well, ok I haven’t seen so much of his movies but I like him as Percy Jackson and in this role too.

I was a bit sad on Tuesday because my BFF said she leaves with her friends to Levi for week on Wednesday. Not that it’s big deal, but just that she told me about it a day before. That was a little suspicious when she got home so early with her classmate. They went to winter holidays that they don’t actually have. Not my business.. BUT (yeah this all suck I’m so emotional) she mentioned she didn’t tell her family about that either. She just asked like: “hey have I told you we go to Levi for next week?” and I was tying my shoes at the moment(I went to grocery to buy some food) and I answered “umm, I don’t think so” “OH MY GOD, I thought I did! I- I didn’t even tell my family, I was so certain about it, I saw a dream that I told everyone”. Well, that’s a little late to worry about it anymore. No problem, at least I was told 24 hours before. Ok, that was sarcastic. I just thought I was little more important. Not that I care.

Well, she’s never in here anyways, that didn’t even make any difference when I told her I have hard times now. This whole thing sucks anyway. I don’t feel like talking if only responses I receive are “aww” or L But I don’t think you wouldn’t want to talk either if your friends showed their care like that. I can only talk to one, but other ones.. mmmh, nope. But I don’t even think they knew how it feels like being depressed.

[edited]FRIDAY 1st March

It’s Friday again. (and today is my blog's 6 month anniversary) It’s been almost week since I was about to publish this entry but.. Didn’t. I was lazy. But now I have more to vent out to. My BFF came back today, just few hours ago. 

BUT, that's not the thing I'm about to tell. It was Tuesday when I just woke up in afternoon and took my meds and ate, and went to computer as usually everyday, then suddenly I got anxiety attack,... BUM. Well it didn't come exactly like that. Some bad things came in my mind and don't know why but especially that one that I am afraid of making phone calls. That has been always huge thing to do and I really get attack of it. But sometimes I'm good hiding it from people who don't know yet that I hate making calls. But it's been forever my phobia. And I hate that I have said it so many times at home to mom that I'd rather go to see the person I'm about to talk to about something than call them. She-just-doesn't-get-it. She always says "call them and.. blahblah..." So the attack took almost two hours. I just sat there on the floor of living room and then I fell on floor trying to calm down and trying to just breathe but it didn’t work so I lifted up to sit again but then I got crying attack and then I went to my bedroom under blanket. That took another hour, then I was ok again for the rest of the evening. Almost. Well, those feels just don’t go away even after I’ve calmed down, but I still wonder and remember that and I’m sort of OK but it takes a while.

I have continued one book that I started to read on last autumn but it didn’t interest me well back then but I’ve been reading it now for over week and that’s kind of sad that I have almost read it. :/ It’s really good book, since my last book I read from cover to cover was Twilight saga. This is also fantasy book sort of, I think. But it’s more like gothic fantasy; Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. A little description here

That’s all by now, ~Ida

I kept this in dark for so long

SO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT DEPRESSING THINGS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MIGHT SEEM TOO MISERABLE TO YOU, I DO NOT RECOMMEND TO READ MY BLOG ENTRIES, GO ON.

Hi, it’s been a while since last time, right? I think you’ve noticed. I haven’t been on mood of sharing anything for few last months because I’ve had depression and anxiety (and still have). Just last night I got idea that I should finally update some news.

I was from December to February at home in Hämeenlinna and I didn’t have desire to come back to my apartment. Every time I thought of coming here, even the drop of that idea of sitting behind the wheel and driving here was distressing me. Sometimes I got anxiety attacks and some nights I cried hopelessly.

Ok, but I got appointment to psychiatrist on 7^th Feb. I’m very good at finding myself from wrong places where I haven’t been before, and I need a map almost everywhere I go, only telling me the way isn’t enough. But I wasn’t late, and I didn’t get lost. And appointment was….. OK. She asked things, I talked, which I am not good at and made some test which pointed out that I have semi strong depression. And wow, she already ordered me pills.

Now I’ve been taking those pill for week(I guess) and first two or three days I got side-effects. Blood pressure got higher and I felt I wasn’t there, you know. And I had a little headaches at first. But now I don’t feel those side-effects so much anymore. But I really felt stupid and unlucky me, my BFF had a classmate around for couple of days for weekend when I started the pills, and I avoided to go in same room(s) with them. I am not sure why, I think partly because I don’t want to interrupt and don’t want to make a contact with strangers. .__. Or get too close to them. Around last New Year it happened and didn’t end well. I thought I had new friend but she just used my kindness. And she broke up with my sister and said to her that she was just acting her friend. My sis of course told about it to me and I haven't been talking to that person ever since. I know she was so hurt about it. And I was so blind because I kind of had a tiny crush on her. But I’m relieved she’s all behind and she haven’t been taking contact to me.

I am very private person and I haven’t told these things to anyone but to few that I can count with one hand’s fingers. Less than five fingers. I think why you should shout out everything about yourself to everyone you like or is your friend even. And now I get to the point that I have trust issues. Well, partly because I know people do gossip and speak behind backs.

One another thing I was thinking last night was death. No, I don’t want to commit suicide. But if I ever wanted, I wouldn’t tell it to you even now.  Things got into my mind last night related to death. I was counting persons I’ve lost. Grandpa died by lung cancer(he smoked), great grandma was over 90yrs old, and my godfather committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. All when I was still very little girl. 2009 my great uncle and my dearest grandma passed away. I loved her the most. And on last year, my grandmother’s sister passed away (I used to go to her for juice and cookies, she was very nice)and also one another relative I didn’t actually know well. Just waiting who will pass away next. Not waiting waiting, but you know.

But there’s been also something good. If I haven’t said this already, I am now been a few months a godmother to my baby cousin Aliisa. She’s adorable smiling little thing.(: I've holded her twice and both times she gave me her bright smile.

Ok, now that I have almost finished this text, I feel annoyed. I don’t know. Just couple of hours ago got that feeling. Ok, I am more than annoyed, I am angry. But you would probably be too if someone you hate just showed up to your home. And I know that person too well that I know when she’s giving so obviously judging looks when she looks around. If you would just know how I feel right now. And I don’t know does she even like me or not but I am so done with that person. I worked with her on last summer and I got to know what she’s like. (You can come ask about those nameless persons who they are privately but I'm not telling here.)

This is where I stop for now, let’s see if I am in mood of telling more if I’m not being totally judged after this.

I acknowledge some or more of my texts have been whiny-ish (if someone describes it that way) or something but you know now that I've got depression. Last year have been a big part of the reason why.
I am really trying to get better.

~Ida