I don't know do I even want to share things anymore here. It felt good to vent, some months ago but not really anymore. I reckon that if I'm lowering my guard down I'm vulnerable.
Every day I'm hoping I'll make it through without shedding tear or two. I have no routines but wake up and eat breakfast, distract people that you're ok, go sleep. But sleeping haven't been easy lately, I'm whole night up and I take 4 hours nap at morning and go on or I'm up late and then I sleep 'till noon(waking up around 3pm). Think that's not good not to have routines.. I don't even recall those times when I had routines. Oh well I do recall that; it was (over) year ago when I still lived at my parents. Good times good times, being at home, waking up at weekend to noises of too loud guitar sounds or bad music taste they have. Going to work (some 'working life training') at clothing store with awesome employees with me. And lastly: no stress.
Well, I'm not even stressing anymore, just feeling anxiety pressing down my heart. Squeezing my throat that I must hold myself back so hard that I don't fall in tears from nothing in the middle of doing my things.
Some days I am able to keep myself busy. Some days not.
Now I (and maybe you too) have noticed, this entry is written more carefully and calmly than my previous ones. Usually I flow write. I hear a little voice asking 'why' in the back of my brain and I give it an answer now. I don't feel or let myself feel hard emotions. I hold myself back and I've noticed I have been doing it for a while.
I kinda feel sad about it and I'm sorry for it. Everyone I care about, I'm sorry. I wrote the following in my Tumblr few days back:
Well, there's a little feelings flow, but that's that."sorry if I seem not to care but I do and I hate that I care too much that I don’t care and it’s killing me that I don’t care those who I shouldand I feel so shitty"
Hate not to feel anything but bitterness, numbness and like I'm strangling.
One big push down is if I see other people doing well and better than me.
I have tried. I sent job application while ago but I see they're not interested of taking me.
I have tried to concentrate on drawing art that it could take my thoughts elsewhere from depressing things.
I have tried to be happy, but all I can do it pretending around my BFF when we're talking to each other.
You can imagine my big fake smile on my face and laughing when they say something hilarious.
Guess I'm good at distracting myself.
Now I'm done. And done.
And... ..feeling sorry, again. For this update.
I hate to see these things happening to a people close to me. Because even how cliche it sounds I've been there, many times. YEARS, to be exact.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time, and _DO NOT_ suffer those feelings, let them out. even how frightening it might seem. because if you keep bulking them up (like I did) you end up being even more screwed up. Do yourself a favor, get help, as in therapy (I do remember you talking about meds, but I don't remember if you are in intensive therapy atm.) and when you recognize those feelings coming up. write them up, feel them, try to figure out where and why they came up, what triggered them? Where does the feeling feel, and just get them on paper. Either in words, pictures, anything. just don't keep them inside.
And now the part that might feel even more awful, get new friends. or try. Talk to new ppl who share same interests, talk to people who make you feel good instead of shitty.
I could go on with this shrink babbling, cos I've hear it so many times, during many years.
And trust me when I tell you, if you get help or at least /try to/ get better (even if it might seem minor) you WILL get better and you'll see in few years at least how things have come better from now. Don't sulk in the fact that now might be the shittiest phase of your life, it only gets you jammed even worse to it.
I hate how sappy and happy-go-lucky I sound. But .. ... idek, maybe I should try to stop giving advises ://
oh, after almost two days I decided to come here and saw this.
DeleteI didn't expect any response.
Just didn't believe it.
Atm I just feel like everyone hates me, even I. I hate myself so much now.
Well I've just started to draw something where I express some feelings tho..
I actually am trying to get new friends, already got one, I guess..
I don't know, I think it's only good if someone's like 'happy-go-lucky', because I'm not one like that. :s It's not my nature, so... I guess I'm /happy/ to have some friend like that.
But I understand it might be exhausting to be kind of that person..(?) Giving advises.. I mean I do get, if you stop doing so.
I must be difficult to get along with. And hard to be around since I'm not so.... well I'm not being good friend to anyone atm.
idk it's just me when I'm told to do something or given advise I just naturally in some level rebel against it, I know I should accept the help. For my own good. I know that.
oops I almost forgot.
Didn't answer (sounded like a question?) one thing, that am I in therapy, I am not. I'm not gonna explain why I am not. And I /had/ meds.
Actually my mom promised me she'd help me if I need money she would pay my therapy or anything I need..