SO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT DEPRESSING THINGS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MIGHT SEEM TOO MISERABLE TO YOU, I DO NOT RECOMMEND TO READ MY BLOG ENTRIES, GO ON.
Hi, it’s
been a while since last time, right? I think you’ve noticed. I haven’t been on
mood of sharing anything for few last months because I’ve had depression and
anxiety (and still have). Just last night I got idea that I should
finally update some news.
I was from
December to February at home in Hämeenlinna and I didn’t have desire to come
back to my apartment. Every time I thought of coming here, even the drop of
that idea of sitting behind the wheel and driving here was distressing me.
Sometimes I got anxiety attacks and some nights I cried hopelessly.
Ok, but I
got appointment to psychiatrist on 7th Feb. I’m very good at finding
myself from wrong places where I haven’t been before, and I need a map almost
everywhere I go, only telling me the way isn’t enough. But I wasn’t late, and I
didn’t get lost. And appointment was….. OK. She asked things, I talked, which I
am not good at and made some test which pointed out that I have semi strong depression.
And wow, she already ordered me pills.
Now I’ve
been taking those pill for week(I guess) and first two or three days I got
side-effects. Blood pressure got higher and I felt I wasn’t there, you know. And I had a little headaches at first. But now I don’t feel those side-effects so much anymore. But I really felt
stupid and unlucky me, my BFF had a classmate around for couple of days for
weekend when I started the pills, and I avoided to go in same room(s) with
them. I am not sure why, I think partly because I don’t want to interrupt and
don’t want to make a contact with strangers. .__. Or get too close to them. Around
last New Year it happened and didn’t end well. I thought I had new friend but
she just used my kindness. And she broke up with my sister and said to her that she was just acting her friend. My sis of course told about it to me and I haven't been talking to that person ever since. I know she was so hurt about it. And I was so blind because I kind of had a tiny
crush on her. But I’m relieved she’s all behind and she haven’t been taking
contact to me.
I am very private person and I haven’t told
these things to anyone but to few that I can count with one hand’s fingers. Less
than five fingers. I think why you should shout out everything about yourself
to everyone you like or is your friend even. And now I get to the point that I
have trust issues. Well, partly because I know people do gossip and speak
behind backs.
One another
thing I was thinking last night was death. No, I don’t want to commit
suicide. But if I ever wanted, I wouldn’t tell it to you even now. Things got into my mind last night related to
death. I was counting persons I’ve lost. Grandpa died by lung cancer(he smoked), great
grandma was over 90yrs old, and my godfather committed suicide by jumping in
front of a train. All when I was still very little girl. 2009 my great uncle
and my dearest grandma passed away. I loved her the most. And on last year, my
grandmother’s sister passed away (I used to go to her for juice and cookies,
she was very nice)and also one another relative I didn’t actually know well. Just
waiting who will pass away next. Not waiting
waiting, but you know.
But there’s
been also something good. If I haven’t said this already, I am now been a few
months a godmother to my baby cousin Aliisa. She’s adorable smiling little thing.(: I've holded her twice and both times she gave me her bright smile.
Ok, now
that I have almost finished this text, I feel annoyed. I don’t know. Just couple
of hours ago got that feeling. Ok, I am more than annoyed, I am angry. But you
would probably be too if someone you hate just showed up to your home. And I
know that person too well that I know when she’s giving so obviously judging
looks when she looks around. If you would just know how I feel right now. And I don’t know does she even like me or not
but I am so done with that person. I worked with her on last summer and I got
to know what she’s like. (You can come ask about those nameless persons who they are privately but I'm not telling here.)
This is
where I stop for now, let’s see if I am in mood of telling more if I’m not
being totally judged after this.
I acknowledge some or more of my texts have been whiny-ish (if someone describes it that way) or something but you know now that I've got depression. Last year have been a big part of the reason why.
I am really trying to get better.
I am really trying to get better.
~Ida
