Hi, I'm venting out once again.
Okeyh first, I changed name of this blog. Seeking perfection without finding it~> Depressed but well dressed~> Dreams Don't Comfort Me. I hope I'm gonna stick with that this time. Because I get bored easily depending of a thing of course, but keeping one name of this blog seemed to be difficult.
Because I'm rarely satisfied when it comes to keep a name of blog/nickname/avatar if it's changeable.
I've been a little bit down for several days. I'm drinking tea while writing this, hopefully I finish this before midnight.
Oh god ugh, where should I start.. Good news first ? I just got glasses on last Monday. Is that a good news/updates? Yes, it is. Now I see better. (: Well, my strengths are -0.50 & -0.25 and it's not much at all but if you had it, you'd know it makes difference.
I was at Helsinki on 26th of April seeing Justin Bieber at Hartwall Arena with my bestie and her little sister. I also saw one another best friend Katja for few hours alone while others two.... were where ever they were from 11am to 3pm. I saw Iron Man 3 for second time that day and it was still awesome movie. (:
Looking back to that Friday, it was good for long time. Can't remember when I last time had a day like that. Seriously, so good to be with friends~♥
When we left the Hartwall Arena at 11:30pm -ish, I tok wrong road and we (me), had to figure out where to get to the right one. Well we had a little adventure to Tuusula's way, and now I only blame my bad sight and orienteeing skills. It almost got so badly on my nerves that I would just wanted to give up and let my bestie drive but I didn't because I just don't ever again gonna ask her drive. I've just totally lost my nerves 'cause every time I've suggested her to drive, she just replies 'do you really trust your car in my hands'.
And I'm not gonna let myself snap out.
This is going too deep now but oh well, let's go that I already started.
Many deep thoughts are floating in my mind all the time. This have been there for long. Mmmmaybe for 6 months. I don't know or care do you think I'm being cruel now by thinking this way, but this is me and I sometimes shock people with my thoughts so usually I just keep quiet about them.
BUT to the subject I was about to share with you.
Ok, this shocked also myself at first when it came on my mind several months ago when I snapped out about my bestie. Obviously living together with her isn't really my thing.
I have been thinking should I re-speculate who is my real best friend after all. Yeah it sounds crazy to you, doesn't it?
But I've been just so used to call my current best friend 'my best friend'.
I don't know... Maybe we just grow away from each other, or that I think. Don't know about her.
And I think this is one of those subjects you just don't talk about.
Well, this leads to where I say I talk about things others keep as taboo or something.
So. That's kinda it. I don't say anything else. Just that it was been in my mind for a while.
Well okay, I'll explain why.
I just don't feel that way anymore. It's like a relationship that is gone on the rocks. You know.
This 'living together' thingy has somehow changed it and the way I feel.
And what can I say?
It just happened. And that's that. And you can't say I haven't tried to build it back. I did. And then I got sick mentally. That makes it even harder.
But I don't just feel this way like all day every day. When I have bad day.
On my good days I'm sociable with her and we chat and everything.
But then again. I think it has all just mixed together, this best friend feelings and depression.
I don't know what is real. Which thing has affected the other.
I am totally so messed up.
But yes, I already thought I was recovering while ago. Well I think it was last month. Then my laptop decided to break up and I was without it for three weeks. It was pain. I agree, my world stopped for a while. But actually last month, like I said, I was recovering from depression. Now it has come back.
Or I should say that it has woken up, it was there the whole time.
I'm not gonna say 'I feel tad better already now', because it's not true.
Maybe in some point yes, but these things will stay haunt my mind and maybe make me feel bad again later.
This next does not relate to the topic but I just spit it out:
'Away from sight, away from mind' is really dumb phrase. I'm just a cynical about it but it doesn't go that way. And I don't give a damn.
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Good that I got to vent this out, even tho I don't believe there's anyone who reads this really.
I flow-wrote this and I'm not gonna fix it or remove anything, I just leave it like this.
'till the next time I need to vent out, ~Ida
