when I last time was jealous it was just like now, my heart is burning

uhh, sorry the more you read, the text will go more confusing ... ..and you may not understand 'cause I leave unfinished/unexplained things here, I'm confused myself too. (OR that's what it felt like in my head)

Halloween's knocking on the door..
I'm not so sure if I'm happy about it. Because I just last or... ..two weeks ago heard from my BFF that there's Halloween party at her school and they are supposed to wear costumes that are characters from tv/movies.
I can be at times very very jealous about anything, and Halloween is on the top of that list.
Tell me you're having party, I'm ok with that.
Tell me you're having Halloween party, without me, I can't bear that.
Seriously.

Halloween is the best of the all holidays ever even over the Christmas, yes!

She(you know already who) asked me where she could find corsets and it has to be white 'cause she's gonna make a white swan costume from The Black Swan movie.. I can't help if I'm burning because of my jealousy, I told her few websites, that I know, like Morticia.com. I've visited there some years ago (well, that does not help at all) and I know they have some corsets.. But.. I really don't know and I wanted to tell her some to have a talk of it. And of course Wedding stores have corsets (DUH), why you didn't know that.
You couldn't just ask earlier and Halloween's like in one week?(I just checked Morticia, they don't have whites but one waist corset that has black string decoration)

I got jealous attack and I could just express it with this picture I found. (kellehthedread.deviantart.com)

Jealousy is not healthy, I don't recommend it to anyone. But I am what I am.
It's badbad thingy in your head. Like I said, I can't help it, it's part of those bad traits of mine.
And I just try to turn my jealousy off by telling those persons that I'm jealous of something they have or do or.. You know! But it doesn't always work.

Like I didn't know that already, horoscope... Today there was situation in my head.
Today these same bad moods came back, and I've felt good some few days lately. They came back. And I'm watching those knifes in the kitchen table. But I say to myself 'no'. And turn around and go off from the kitchen. This is not what I want to talk about but,. Naah.
Don't.
I should go to sleep, it's too late again. Last two nights I've slept well, 'cause I went to sleep earlier, something around 10pm, and it was nice. Aaand now I see it's 2am.. Great.

That's what I drew tonight. I named it on DeviantArt 'all the things'. Well, You can just concept it yourself like you want. But to me it's like um.. this sentence came up; 'all the things that I have in my mind, the sadness, unhealthy thoughts, anger. They all came back and they haunt me. I'm full of it.'
That was more than one sentence.
But mostly if I feel sad (or anything else), it doesn't always have meaning. It just comes out of nothing. And I really can't explain that where it started from.

I wrote a, don't know is it letter but, may I say a letter to my BFF.. I am not able to talk to face-to-face now. About things that irritates me. I saw it more easier to express what I wanna say to her, because otherwise I would feel misunderstood. Because I'm good at writing but bad at speaking hard things and if something that makes me yet upset, I can't talk about it clearly. So I wrote, 'cause when I do it, I can stop and think, and continue it again. Yes, I'm just the one who is bad at socializing. I'd rather talk less and listen more. But it depends on person who am I talking with, do I have concentration to listen them. Lately I haven't had that with my BFF. It just makes me bored and my mind is wandering elsewhere, but I really try to focus to listen. It's just.. It feels like we have different scheme of things now. We look things differently.
But only when conversation goes deeper than usually. Or not. It depends.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so thoughtful person.

I was thinking of to publish this or not to.. Guess the rest what I decided to.

~Ida