shy lonely girl with anxiety

FRIDAY 22th.  It doesn’t feel like Friday at all. Actually today when it was like 3pm, I thought it was Thursday. I don’t have calendar in anywhere else but on my phone (and laptop but it wasn’t on atm). I was gonna take my e-pills that I have gotten from gynecologist some weeks ago. I don’t really need them but she gave those for acne that I had sometime ago, but also because I have PCOS. Well… I was confused and wondering which day is it and looked the date from my phone and I was like “no, it can’t be Friday already.. ..But it just was Wednesday”.  I don’t know how did I missed Thursday, because I remember clearly what I was  doing!

Yesterday (THURSDAY 21th) I watched first Mamma Mia! –movie. I like that movie a lot, it makes me happy and those songs are great. I got permission from my BFF to watch her movies while she’s gone for next week (I tell later about this) and I thought I could check out “Perks of being a Wallflower”, because my BFF is so big fan of that book and movie. But I have been thinking since I heard the movie’s name that “okey, so this is one of those movies I should not watch, I’m sure I don’t like it and it makes me annoyed” but I was partly right. Me and my BFF have mutual movie taste in some movies, but actually it’s SO different.

So, Perks of being a Wallflower is about a Charlie who’s about to start high school and he have none of friends since his best friend committed suicide and also his aunt died when he was young kid. He gets couple of friends, spends time with them and get’s high couple of times and he sees hallucinations.. He thinks a lot. I think if some that have experienced depression, can understand and feel this character. I think also that he’s very good picture of depressed person, how they are.

I can associate a bit of myself to Charlie. I was in the middle school kind of the shy girl. Actually I’ve always been short of. I can see parts of me in him. I hate of being described as shy, because… ..it is so true. I know that. But just don’t want to think of it that way. I deny it and make excuses for my shyness, but I don’t tell them out loud. I just think of it.

I hate this feeling I got after watching this movie because it got into me so deeply. I cried while the last scenes. It was a bullet for my feels, coz I understood Charlie’s pain. Sometimes it is kinda not cool to have so much emotions like me.

I thought so long before I saw this movie that I’m never gonna watch that ugh, because when something is so popular or teen -ish, and/or superficial, I refuse to watch it.

I can’t deny this movie wasn’t good, it was. It just was so painful at the end. And Logan Lerman is good actor. Well, ok I haven’t seen so much of his movies but I like him as Percy Jackson and in this role too.

I was a bit sad on Tuesday because my BFF said she leaves with her friends to Levi for week on Wednesday. Not that it’s big deal, but just that she told me about it a day before. That was a little suspicious when she got home so early with her classmate. They went to winter holidays that they don’t actually have. Not my business.. BUT (yeah this all suck I’m so emotional) she mentioned she didn’t tell her family about that either. She just asked like: “hey have I told you we go to Levi for next week?” and I was tying my shoes at the moment(I went to grocery to buy some food) and I answered “umm, I don’t think so” “OH MY GOD, I thought I did! I- I didn’t even tell my family, I was so certain about it, I saw a dream that I told everyone”. Well, that’s a little late to worry about it anymore. No problem, at least I was told 24 hours before. Ok, that was sarcastic. I just thought I was little more important. Not that I care.

Well, she’s never in here anyways, that didn’t even make any difference when I told her I have hard times now. This whole thing sucks anyway. I don’t feel like talking if only responses I receive are “aww” or L But I don’t think you wouldn’t want to talk either if your friends showed their care like that. I can only talk to one, but other ones.. mmmh, nope. But I don’t even think they knew how it feels like being depressed.

[edited]FRIDAY 1st March

It’s Friday again. (and today is my blog's 6 month anniversary) It’s been almost week since I was about to publish this entry but.. Didn’t. I was lazy. But now I have more to vent out to. My BFF came back today, just few hours ago. 

BUT, that's not the thing I'm about to tell. It was Tuesday when I just woke up in afternoon and took my meds and ate, and went to computer as usually everyday, then suddenly I got anxiety attack,... BUM. Well it didn't come exactly like that. Some bad things came in my mind and don't know why but especially that one that I am afraid of making phone calls. That has been always huge thing to do and I really get attack of it. But sometimes I'm good hiding it from people who don't know yet that I hate making calls. But it's been forever my phobia. And I hate that I have said it so many times at home to mom that I'd rather go to see the person I'm about to talk to about something than call them. She-just-doesn't-get-it. She always says "call them and.. blahblah..." So the attack took almost two hours. I just sat there on the floor of living room and then I fell on floor trying to calm down and trying to just breathe but it didn’t work so I lifted up to sit again but then I got crying attack and then I went to my bedroom under blanket. That took another hour, then I was ok again for the rest of the evening. Almost. Well, those feels just don’t go away even after I’ve calmed down, but I still wonder and remember that and I’m sort of OK but it takes a while.

I have continued one book that I started to read on last autumn but it didn’t interest me well back then but I’ve been reading it now for over week and that’s kind of sad that I have almost read it. :/ It’s really good book, since my last book I read from cover to cover was Twilight saga. This is also fantasy book sort of, I think. But it’s more like gothic fantasy; Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. A little description here

That’s all by now, ~Ida

I kept this in dark for so long

SO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT DEPRESSING THINGS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MIGHT SEEM TOO MISERABLE TO YOU, I DO NOT RECOMMEND TO READ MY BLOG ENTRIES, GO ON.

Hi, it’s been a while since last time, right? I think you’ve noticed. I haven’t been on mood of sharing anything for few last months because I’ve had depression and anxiety (and still have). Just last night I got idea that I should finally update some news.

I was from December to February at home in Hämeenlinna and I didn’t have desire to come back to my apartment. Every time I thought of coming here, even the drop of that idea of sitting behind the wheel and driving here was distressing me. Sometimes I got anxiety attacks and some nights I cried hopelessly.

Ok, but I got appointment to psychiatrist on 7^th Feb. I’m very good at finding myself from wrong places where I haven’t been before, and I need a map almost everywhere I go, only telling me the way isn’t enough. But I wasn’t late, and I didn’t get lost. And appointment was….. OK. She asked things, I talked, which I am not good at and made some test which pointed out that I have semi strong depression. And wow, she already ordered me pills.

Now I’ve been taking those pill for week(I guess) and first two or three days I got side-effects. Blood pressure got higher and I felt I wasn’t there, you know. And I had a little headaches at first. But now I don’t feel those side-effects so much anymore. But I really felt stupid and unlucky me, my BFF had a classmate around for couple of days for weekend when I started the pills, and I avoided to go in same room(s) with them. I am not sure why, I think partly because I don’t want to interrupt and don’t want to make a contact with strangers. .__. Or get too close to them. Around last New Year it happened and didn’t end well. I thought I had new friend but she just used my kindness. And she broke up with my sister and said to her that she was just acting her friend. My sis of course told about it to me and I haven't been talking to that person ever since. I know she was so hurt about it. And I was so blind because I kind of had a tiny crush on her. But I’m relieved she’s all behind and she haven’t been taking contact to me.

I am very private person and I haven’t told these things to anyone but to few that I can count with one hand’s fingers. Less than five fingers. I think why you should shout out everything about yourself to everyone you like or is your friend even. And now I get to the point that I have trust issues. Well, partly because I know people do gossip and speak behind backs.

One another thing I was thinking last night was death. No, I don’t want to commit suicide. But if I ever wanted, I wouldn’t tell it to you even now.  Things got into my mind last night related to death. I was counting persons I’ve lost. Grandpa died by lung cancer(he smoked), great grandma was over 90yrs old, and my godfather committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. All when I was still very little girl. 2009 my great uncle and my dearest grandma passed away. I loved her the most. And on last year, my grandmother’s sister passed away (I used to go to her for juice and cookies, she was very nice)and also one another relative I didn’t actually know well. Just waiting who will pass away next. Not waiting waiting, but you know.

But there’s been also something good. If I haven’t said this already, I am now been a few months a godmother to my baby cousin Aliisa. She’s adorable smiling little thing.(: I've holded her twice and both times she gave me her bright smile.

Ok, now that I have almost finished this text, I feel annoyed. I don’t know. Just couple of hours ago got that feeling. Ok, I am more than annoyed, I am angry. But you would probably be too if someone you hate just showed up to your home. And I know that person too well that I know when she’s giving so obviously judging looks when she looks around. If you would just know how I feel right now. And I don’t know does she even like me or not but I am so done with that person. I worked with her on last summer and I got to know what she’s like. (You can come ask about those nameless persons who they are privately but I'm not telling here.)

This is where I stop for now, let’s see if I am in mood of telling more if I’m not being totally judged after this.

I acknowledge some or more of my texts have been whiny-ish (if someone describes it that way) or something but you know now that I've got depression. Last year have been a big part of the reason why.
I am really trying to get better.

~Ida

I love contact lenses

I almost gave this little grin with my mouth when some little girl was staring at me when I walked by wearing my red eye lenses. And that cash girl was hesitant when I looked straight to her eyes. But I'm totally got used to this 'confusing people' -thing.

Yeah, I was at center today just going to leave my winter shoes to shoe smith and I got back home and I forgot that I was about to go buy some fluid for my eye lenses and I went to store what was near to our home, it's kind of mall but not really, there's just two lunch restaurants and couple of other stores with food market; hair store, couple of jewerly stores and some phone store and glass store where I went to buy that fluid. The cash lady started to speak too much about those fluids and I decided just to let her and she offered me some different fluids and I finally got this fluid that was the smallest one and it cost less than other ones, and I got the lense case too and some bag with them. So I wanted to just be sure I got the fluid and case when I got this idea I was talking about; I went back to home and put on my red Volturi eye lenses that I have bought just something like week ago or so. I'm wearing them now when I'm writing this, but soon I have to take them off, I've had them some hours now, my sight is a bit blurry I think because my eyes are getting tired, but I am not absolutely sure about it..
Well, I just went back to center and I remembered that I forgot to return a dvd that I rented yesterday. I watched Disney Pixar's The Brave (was it Disney Pixar's ?). It was awesome movie even that I was a little hesitant about how it's gonna be, but I actually liked it very much.
Wait a sec..*going to remove my contact lenses*
Ok, so. It wasn't so hard. First time I have ever wore contacts was something like two years ago and back then I had green contact lenses. Now I just laugh at myself, because it was so hard to get them on my eyes hahaha! And even the removing process was.... well, I call it torment. *hahaha* And after two years, I didn't got an idea what it was like!
But I think it is just that when you get used to it, it's not that hard anymore, well indeed.

But I feel so proud of myself. I always do if I succeed even in so little case.
This is taken today, when I was wearing them--->

I have been wearing these only twice and I'm in love with them. I also have those other contacts I bought, they are 'Twilight' lenses, those that Cullens have. I haven't tried them yet but maybe on this week, maybe tomorrow when I'm getting my shoes back with new heels, I have walked them to half dead :D
But they are my loved ones.

Ok, I'm going to dye my hair now and going to watch some tv shows, bye!

~Ida~

my will to believe in life has to start again

Okay, movie Monday challenge from last Monday.... and that waass....3rd Dec already. :D
I was about to write it earlier but I had no idea or inspiration.

Okey.. so..Questions were..:

Who is your favorite of deformed creatures with a heart, however, in place? Who's cruel treatment makes you drop a tear?
hmmm.. There's lot of 'monsters' I like, I am somehow always going to their side, instead of others..
My favorite creature that has received bad treatment and avoid from others is Edward Scissorhands. 

┅❖┅

Okayyyyyh, then my personal life newss.

I've spent a week now at home and I've had fun. Lots of it. Fun means:

I saw a guy friend on Monday and I spent about three hours with him at his apartment. We haven't seen each others like.. ..for years I would say. But we have been in touch on internet.. 

I also bought ticket to Rise of the Guardians on Monday before the friend meeting. 

Tuesday I was just at home helping mom to make cakes and stuff to Wednesday. So on Wednesday I was at my brother's school were he graduated from highschool. 

We had quests between 3:00pm - 6:00pm and the last ones came around 6pm and stayed couple of hours and they were friends of my parents, they went to our summer cottage to spend a night. My brother had few friends from 6pm to 1am and all my siblings were together except me., who were hiding in my old room where I have slept all these nights here. Drunk afterparty went well, I drank couple of long drinks with myself as company, once in a while I went to see what's happening at downstairs to get another drink and check out  that the house isn't damaged or anything..

at 1am I watched Snow White and the Huntsman and went to sleep..

ON Thursday I went to movies to see Rise of the Guardians where I bought that ticket. I liked it so much! It was funny and that's what I need to have now, happiness. Building myself back together, trying to keep on going in the middle of mood swings in this roller coaster. 

I've drank couple of long drinks every night since Wednesday, I don't wanna get wasted so much, I don't wanna have hangover, that's why but I want to drink something.

That sounded more stupid than what it sounded like in my head... ...

Friday... umh.. Why I do not remember that... It wad just yesterday!

uuhh... I seriously don't remember what was I doing-- and now it came back.

Second one of the twin brothers had night with his friends, they drank and played games and had sauna time.. Mom wasn't pleased about it today at all.. Today when my parents came home, I was alone and I had to listen mom's nagging about how my brother didn't clean up after and how she have cleaned the house just before Christmas and nag nag... 

I was on computer and my laptop is making me anxious already about being so slow and then there was even some angsty stuff on Tumblr atm, and then there was mom nagging so I was so near to go down, but I shut myself and I was pretending to listen her because I couldn't just take it. Thank Odin, other people showed up soon and mom stopped and she went to make food.

I was fed up about my best friend and I have talked with my mom and sister (both alone with me in different moments), my sister is also moving, which she have done a lot in these years since she moved out from home before me. She moved out at her 19's and ever since she has had few apartments.. So now that she's moving again, mom got that address to that company that is selling apartments in Hämeenlinna and gave it to me so I can keep an eye on it and I have to go to make an application..

It took two days from my best friends to send a text to me and ask my bank account number so she could pay me back the half of that electricity bill what she was owed to me.

But I just said I don't need it anymore. So that's it. She didn't ask about the Justin Bieber ticket that I am owed to her or the TV bills... What evs.

I was about to write about this yesterday or the day before it, but I've been avoiding it, because I want to avoid it. Just for myself, because if I'm down, and then I open up to blog ors, I'm just getting those feeling back and it makes me once again feeling down. 

And now I really need to concentrate my thoughts to positive things. Untill I go back to Tampere. 

I am afrair of going back. Because I've just got back this positivity and it can't come back, not now.

I have still tomorrow to go at my cousin's Christening party and on next Monday I'll see another close friend. I haven't seen her for so long.

So these were all.. I'm going to watch some Supernatural now and off to shower,

~Ida