shy lonely girl with anxiety

FRIDAY 22th.  It doesn’t feel like Friday at all. Actually today when it was like 3pm, I thought it was Thursday. I don’t have calendar in anywhere else but on my phone (and laptop but it wasn’t on atm). I was gonna take my e-pills that I have gotten from gynecologist some weeks ago. I don’t really need them but she gave those for acne that I had sometime ago, but also because I have PCOS. Well… I was confused and wondering which day is it and looked the date from my phone and I was like “no, it can’t be Friday already.. ..But it just was Wednesday”.  I don’t know how did I missed Thursday, because I remember clearly what I was  doing!

Yesterday (THURSDAY 21th) I watched first Mamma Mia! –movie. I like that movie a lot, it makes me happy and those songs are great. I got permission from my BFF to watch her movies while she’s gone for next week (I tell later about this) and I thought I could check out “Perks of being a Wallflower”, because my BFF is so big fan of that book and movie. But I have been thinking since I heard the movie’s name that “okey, so this is one of those movies I should not watch, I’m sure I don’t like it and it makes me annoyed” but I was partly right. Me and my BFF have mutual movie taste in some movies, but actually it’s SO different.

So, Perks of being a Wallflower is about a Charlie who’s about to start high school and he have none of friends since his best friend committed suicide and also his aunt died when he was young kid. He gets couple of friends, spends time with them and get’s high couple of times and he sees hallucinations.. He thinks a lot. I think if some that have experienced depression, can understand and feel this character. I think also that he’s very good picture of depressed person, how they are.

I can associate a bit of myself to Charlie. I was in the middle school kind of the shy girl. Actually I’ve always been short of. I can see parts of me in him. I hate of being described as shy, because… ..it is so true. I know that. But just don’t want to think of it that way. I deny it and make excuses for my shyness, but I don’t tell them out loud. I just think of it.

I hate this feeling I got after watching this movie because it got into me so deeply. I cried while the last scenes. It was a bullet for my feels, coz I understood Charlie’s pain. Sometimes it is kinda not cool to have so much emotions like me.

I thought so long before I saw this movie that I’m never gonna watch that ugh, because when something is so popular or teen -ish, and/or superficial, I refuse to watch it.

I can’t deny this movie wasn’t good, it was. It just was so painful at the end. And Logan Lerman is good actor. Well, ok I haven’t seen so much of his movies but I like him as Percy Jackson and in this role too.

I was a bit sad on Tuesday because my BFF said she leaves with her friends to Levi for week on Wednesday. Not that it’s big deal, but just that she told me about it a day before. That was a little suspicious when she got home so early with her classmate. They went to winter holidays that they don’t actually have. Not my business.. BUT (yeah this all suck I’m so emotional) she mentioned she didn’t tell her family about that either. She just asked like: “hey have I told you we go to Levi for next week?” and I was tying my shoes at the moment(I went to grocery to buy some food) and I answered “umm, I don’t think so” “OH MY GOD, I thought I did! I- I didn’t even tell my family, I was so certain about it, I saw a dream that I told everyone”. Well, that’s a little late to worry about it anymore. No problem, at least I was told 24 hours before. Ok, that was sarcastic. I just thought I was little more important. Not that I care.

Well, she’s never in here anyways, that didn’t even make any difference when I told her I have hard times now. This whole thing sucks anyway. I don’t feel like talking if only responses I receive are “aww” or L But I don’t think you wouldn’t want to talk either if your friends showed their care like that. I can only talk to one, but other ones.. mmmh, nope. But I don’t even think they knew how it feels like being depressed.

[edited]FRIDAY 1st March

It’s Friday again. (and today is my blog's 6 month anniversary) It’s been almost week since I was about to publish this entry but.. Didn’t. I was lazy. But now I have more to vent out to. My BFF came back today, just few hours ago. 

BUT, that's not the thing I'm about to tell. It was Tuesday when I just woke up in afternoon and took my meds and ate, and went to computer as usually everyday, then suddenly I got anxiety attack,... BUM. Well it didn't come exactly like that. Some bad things came in my mind and don't know why but especially that one that I am afraid of making phone calls. That has been always huge thing to do and I really get attack of it. But sometimes I'm good hiding it from people who don't know yet that I hate making calls. But it's been forever my phobia. And I hate that I have said it so many times at home to mom that I'd rather go to see the person I'm about to talk to about something than call them. She-just-doesn't-get-it. She always says "call them and.. blahblah..." So the attack took almost two hours. I just sat there on the floor of living room and then I fell on floor trying to calm down and trying to just breathe but it didn’t work so I lifted up to sit again but then I got crying attack and then I went to my bedroom under blanket. That took another hour, then I was ok again for the rest of the evening. Almost. Well, those feels just don’t go away even after I’ve calmed down, but I still wonder and remember that and I’m sort of OK but it takes a while.

I have continued one book that I started to read on last autumn but it didn’t interest me well back then but I’ve been reading it now for over week and that’s kind of sad that I have almost read it. :/ It’s really good book, since my last book I read from cover to cover was Twilight saga. This is also fantasy book sort of, I think. But it’s more like gothic fantasy; Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. A little description here

That’s all by now, ~Ida